)':

Came blogging, to talk about all the unhappiness for this few days.
Yes, I'm breaking down soon. Sooner or later. Thats it.
Friday, great. I cried, in the school.
Actually, partly is the hormones in me wants me to. While the other, I'm still thinking about my quarrel with my dad for so long. Sorry darling, I partly lied to you. :\

Saturday.
Went to visit Tengkang at the hospital around noon.
Had lunch with Jocelyn Darling first, before leaving the house.
Quarreled with Mum. All the thing, is she started first.
In the end, its my fault.
I tried to hold back my tears already. Until when I'm in the lift.
Those tears of mine, just cant stop falling down my cheeks.
Thanks darling for the comfort & the hug you gave. Much appreciated. :]
& anyway, take care TENGKANG! See you soon back in the basketball court. :D

Sunday.
As usual, went jogging with Rowena darling.
Met at inter & walked there. & congrats darling, you improved.
The speed for today was faster than the other days. During Napfa test, must keep constant with this speed oh. ;]
Rested, or should I say we finished our runs.
Sat there, chit chatted. Told darling about the family problems, soon, finding myself sitting there crying.
Thanks darling, for the words & encouragement. :]
Lunched at Ljs, darling came over to study while I did my art & she left around 5 plus.
Finished my art 6 sketches, like finally. While my other notes still havent been touch on yet.


Alright, just came back from school.
Lessons were as usual, bio is making me falling asleep soon. D:
& soon, the hormones inside me changed again.
Sorry Jocelyn darling, I didnt told you what is running through in my mind that time.
Cos' , I'm so afraid that once I start talking about it, the next second, I'll be crying non stop again.
Yes, I hold back my tears, bravely.

I need someone to talk to, & I know my both darlings are always there for me.
But, I'm still feeling down. Cos' I cant stop myself from thinking about the personal issues I got.
The cold war with Dad, since the time he said that I didnt put in effort for my results.
When I actually did. & since that day, we've not spoken to each other.
Had a tiff with Mum on saturday, when she started to be so unreasonable.
For the first time, I retaliate. & left the house without saying anything.

But, have they really understand what I really wants from them.
I just want more concern, & more understanding from them, but not more & more scoldings.
Why, why did they treat me so differently from my brother.
Whenever I take my brother & compare, its both of you told me, that I shouldnt be comparing with him & me.
Well, then why. Both of you likes to compare with me & my cousins.
Yeahs, I know. They way clever than me, the oldest is a UNI graduate, now is working as a pyschologist.
The second oldest, had a good results, now working with a good pay.
The youngest one, had 9 points for her O level paper, & now studying in a JC.
So, why are you comparing me with them ?
By all means, cos' I dont even want to care now.

Once, when we had so much quarrels during last year.
One night, both of you came into my room. Talking sense into me, that was the day when I told you how I felt for the past few years.
Its you, who said that if got troubles, must tell you. So that you can understand how I feels.
Great, that was the time I believed in. Cos' I thought you will really understand.
But, just after a few more months, when the same thing happens again, the same thing started.
& then I realised this, is that You will never ever understands how I feel.

There's so much difference within how you treat my brother and me.
I feel so left out , I find that, you all are bias towards him.
Just like this, I & him are just like a team member for a soccer match.
You both, were a coach to us.
Both of us were in the court.
Brother did something wrong, he got a yellow card.
When I did the same mistake, I didnt get a yellow card, but a red card.

I thought, we will always be in the same position in your hearts.
But when such things happen, I know truely. Where I stand in your heart.
I'm just, nothing. Yes, nothing.
He got a warning, when he did something wrong.
He can keep repeating the same mistakes, but yet, there's still many chances for him.
Whereas, I got nothing. I got no warning, but I got punished for doing the same mistakes.

You said that, I stand the most impt place in your heart that night.
You said, since young, you loves me the most.
But now, I knew that its all a lie. Cos' , brother always got the best.
He got a best birthday party during primary school, while I get nothing.
When he requested he wanted a play station, both of you brought him to the shop & straight away bought for him.
When I requested I wanted just a mp3, both of you said that its a waste of money.
I had to save up, just to get my first mp3.
When he asked if he could stay overnight at a friend chalet, both of you agreed immediately.
Whne I only asked if I could go to my friend chalet, both of you gave me that fcuking face.
There's such a great gap in b/w us, but yet. You always says that, you treat us the same. Bullshit.

I thought, I was treated equally. & when this happens like now, I know. I'm just nothing. He means more to you.
No matter how hard I put in my effort in studies, in everything. I'm always behind my brother.
Yes, thats how the fact it turns out to be .

Where is the Dad that jokes with me when we were feeling bored.
Where is the Mum that will come into my room every night to had a peek at me while I'm sleeping.
Where is the once family that I feel so fortunate to have .
Where has it gone to.

But now, I chose not to believe in all these.
I chose not to believe in the words that you promised saying that you will understand me.
Right now, I choose to isolate from you people.
I choose to drift apart from this family, when days goes by.
I feel nothing in it, so that one day. When you started scolding & screaming your head off at me, I can feel nothing.
Its you, that choose to give up on me. When I didnt make conversation with you people.
But, why is it me that needs to start everything first.
I dont want to give in, which means I had to admit that everything was my fault when it's not me.
I choose not to give in this time, I just wanted to let you people know that, I did nothing wrong.

When all this happens all at a time, I feel like dying.
I feel like running from home.
I feel like transforming myself into a cloud, so that I got no worries.
I feel like stabbing myself with a knife, to stop all these.
I feel like giving up on myself, because I know that both of you soon will lose hope in me.
I feel like running away from this truth.
I feel like asking the world to let the time stop when I had my last happy memories.
I feel like, disacknowlegding myself with this family.
I hope that, I wasnt your child.
I hope that, what I always wanted is encouragement but not scoldings.
I hope that, this was all a dream.
I wish that, I could die.
I wish that, both of you can change for me.
But, I know that all this wouldnt happen.

There's no point for me crying every night, wetting my pillow my blanket.
I dont want myself from lacking of sleep due to the crying for hours in the night.
I dont want to let my friends around me worrying.
I dont want to break down in school, crying non stop.
I dont want all these, to affect me in my exams & studies.

From now on, I should smile. Smile; even when life falls.
I should use this, when I feel like crying.
I should be facing this bravely, even if how hard it will be, I can do it.
I dont want to make myself looking so tired.
I dont want to affect myself when I suddenly think about all these.
Yes, all these. Should end soon.
There's so many things waiting for me to do, life's are always full of surprises.
Yes, I should stop crying in front of this computer now.

Lastly, I had no courage to apologise for everything.
Right now, I express through here.
I'm sorry, Dad. Mum.
I failed my duty as a daughter.
Your son, can do a better job than me.





& to my 2 great Darlings, thanks for being there for me. :]
Dont have to worry about me anymore, alright.
I'll stand up strong & firm. Loves always.